


Breakdown Noise

by surskitty



Series: Step Aside and See the World [4]
Category: Subarashiki Kono Sekai | The World Ends With You
Genre: Age Difference, Awkward Sex, Blow Jobs, Breathplay, Clothed Sex, Fanfiction, First Time, Impermanent Consensual Snuff, Intercrural Sex, Kink Negotiation, M/M, Non-Fetishistic Crossdressing, Other, Post-Canon, Smut, Supernatural Elements, Telepathy, Wing Kink, sex comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-01
Updated: 2014-11-02
Packaged: 2018-02-23 11:59:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2546708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/surskitty/pseuds/surskitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joshua raises an eyebrow, watching Neku's expression with growing disdain.  "Honestly, Neku, it's not as though I need to breathe anyway."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Loosely inspired by [this kink meme prompt](http://twewykinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/689.html?thread=16817#cmt16817). _JoshNeku- Asphyxiation/Choking -- exactly like it says in the title, choking. or any kind of breathplay is good really. (fully consensual, please!!)_

"You know, Neku," Joshua drawls, leaning against the wall, "the UG really isn't so bad."

Neku looks him over, less than amused. He shows up again -- _in his house_ \-- for the first time in weeks for this? Neku shakes his head. "I'm gonna stick with living, thanks."

"But it's so _b-o-r-i-n-g_ ," he sighs, like he's disappointed Neku would ever _consider_ disagreeing, after all they have in common. "Being a reaper is simply more convenient. Let me demonstrate --" ("No thanks," Neku mutters) "-- choke me."

Neku doesn't react for a moment, certain he'd heard wrong. And then -- "Are you _insane_?!" He's horrified, hands up like he needs protection from Joshua (or like it'd do any good if he did -- now is not the time to think about that). Joshua's asking him to hurt _him_ , not the other way around, and that stings more than he can imagine, salt in the wound of the last game. Neku never wants to have to hurt one of his friends again; he'd almost ruined everything with Shiki the first time, and that was just selfish fear, while this would be -- premeditated, completely intentional and with everything to lose.

Joshua raises an eyebrow, watching Neku's expression with growing disdain. "Honestly, Neku, it's not as though I need to breathe anyway." He smiles, and it's the same expression Neku'd seen on the other side of the gun. He reaches for Neku's hands --

\-- and Neku jerks away, back to the wall, as far from Joshua as he can manage. "N-no," he manages, breathing hard. Shit, shit, _shit_ ; Joshua might have not destroyed Shibuya, but he's still dangerous, and never moreso than when he can use Neku as a weapon.

"No?" Joshua echoes.

"No," Neku repeats, more firmly.

"Pity." He sighs and looks up at the ceiling, hand on his chin as he thinks. "May I ask why?"

Neku forces himself to relax; even if he can't let his guard down, it won't help to stay tense. "Why bother," he says flatly, "you already know."

Joshua hums tunelessly. "Indulge me."

Neku huffs and throws him a glare; Joshua watches him with angelic innocence, though the only angels Neku can picture him with are the sort that extol the virtues of cleansing fire.

But there's no avoiding it: it's not like he'd let him change the topic before he's satisfied. "Well, for one thing, you're my friend." And just because that's true doesn't make saying it any less strange: he's not used to having friends, and _this_ particular friendship is bracketed by murder and scheming the whole way through.

"Oh, is that all?" _Is that all --_ but he doesn't let him interject -- "Because it's hardly as though I'm that easy to kill. I'm the _Composer of Shibuya_ , dear; you would have to _want_ me dead for it to stick."

"What, choking you isn't enough?" That's not exactly the kind of thing you _do_ to friends.

"Neku, Neku, Neku…" he says, shaking his head. "Intent matters at least as much as actions when it comes to the Underground. If you just shot me by accident, -- well, with your imagination being what it is, I _could_ possibly die, but it's highly unlikely. So long as you wanted me to get up afterwards, I'd be completely fine."

"And if I didn't, I'd be the Composer." A win for Joshua either way. 

"Why, Neku, you do understand! Congratulations!" He beams. Neku resists the urge to punch him in the face, though he's not sure why he bothers. … Oh, right: the bastard'd probably enjoy it. Definitely shouldn't do it, then.

"… Yeah, still not doing it."

Joshua drums his fingers on the table, the rhythm intimately familiar in a way Neku doesn't understand until he realises: it's his own heartbeat. Well, that's not disturbing. "You know, Neku, I'd almost think you have some baggage."

That fucker--! "I _can't imagine why_ ," he forces out, grimacing. "What with you having _already_ tried to get me to kill you, and --" No. He's not going to talk about this.

"… and?" And the asshole looks expectant. Of course he does; he knows exactly what happened.

"I don't want to talk about this," he says, like it's going to matter.

Joshua shakes his head again, watching him like a wolf who's found the odd one out. "Ah, _repression_ ," he says, understanding dawning, and if this wasn't his intention the whole time, Neku'll eat his headphones. "Tell me: are you more afraid that you'd do it again, or that your friends will drop you over it like you no doubt suspect you'd deserve?"

Neku really ought to punch him, get him to shut up _somehow,_ but when he tries to grab Joshua's collar and shove him, his hand goes straight through. And the Composer (and it is the Composer, little enough of his partner visible in Joshua's eyes) is harsh, but even as Neku starts to wonder if this is it, this is when his unforgiving trust fails him, Joshua nods and backs off, brow furrowed. "It's over and done, Neku."

"Fuck off," Neku snaps.

"You're not that person anymore," Joshua states, ignoring him, "and you hardly were at the time."

"I said, _fuck off_ ," Neku repeats, and Joshua -- blessedly -- does.

Fuck.

* * *

That whole miserable conversation sticks with him, though, as much as he wishes it wouldn't, and there's only one person who knows Joshua well enough to tell how much is bullshit. (All of it, probably: just because much of what he says is true doesn't make it less bullshit.) 

So he gives it a few days, helps Shiki and Eri with their latest outfit (they can't decide whether they want to make his chest look full or play up his proportions, but it's looking promising), studies with Beat and Rhyme (entrance exams are coming up, and it's still the best way to keep their grades up), pokes at a few of his own projects, and pretty much does everything else on his to do list _except_ go to WildKat for as long as he can justify.

But before the end of the week, he's in the café, pretending to drink some hot chocolate as Mr Hanekoma hums and looks through his sketchbook, pausing briefly on a doodle of his friends in Miyashita Park, smiling wanly at a gesture sketch of Joshua helping Hanekoma in the kitchen, recognisable only through Joshua's mop of hair.

It's a nice moment, and he doesn't really want to ruin it by bringing up Joshua's latest bullshit, but Hanekoma doesn't give him the choice. "I heard Josh gave you a visit," he says casually, once he's gotten to the end of Neku's latest sketches and passed it back.

"Yeah," Neku says, less than cooperative.

"If he's trying to get you to do things you don't want to," he says, serious, "let me know and I'll talk to him. He's a good kid, but …."

Neku seriously has to wonder about Hanekoma's standards. "He's trying to get me to kill him again."

Hanekoma sighs, this long drawn out thing, not so much exasperated as _that's the way it goes_. "If it's any consolation, I don't think he entirely means it. He just needs to -- push. At everything, especially himself."

"And something about me being able to kill him without him dying, is that bullshit, too?"

Hanekoma goes quiet. Stands up, starts up the espresso machine. "I didn't think he'd try going there with you this soon."

"And that means …?"

He doesn't say anything while he fixes his own coffee, scratching the back of his neck. Neku stirs his hot chocolate. WildKat is rarely silent, even if Hanekoma rarely has customers, but it feels like it _should_ be, even as the percolator gurgles. "Joshua likes … risks."

"I got that," Neku says flatly, "what with the Game and all."

"The Composer can't die by accident, so he's been known to …."

"… ask people to kill him for funsies?" This is absurd.

Hanekoma nods, barely perceptible. "He shouldn't have asked you."

"He really fucking shouldn't have." Neku almost wishes he'd bought a scone to stare at, but all of the ones in the case looked less than appetising. Stale, probably.

Hanekoma rubs at his neck again and lets out a breath. "… Do you need me to talk to him?"

"Nah, I just …." He doesn't want to talk about this, but Joshua was right even if he is completely awful: what is he afraid of? "He asked me to choke him," he says finally, knowing Hanekoma knows _exactly_ what he means.

Hanekoma lets out a whistle. "That's … that's pretty bad," he admits, and Neku's relieved that for once he's not immediately jumping to Joshua's defense. Small mercies.

"And the thing is, I keep _thinking_ about it. Like …." He trails off.

Hanekoma looks straight at him until he meets his eyes. "You're a good kid, Neku," Hanekoma says, serious.

"I nearly killed Shiki."

"But you didn't."

"I still _would have_ , if you hadn't …"

"Neku." He stands over the counter, looking down at him. "You didn't, and you didn't want to." Neku's less sure of that, but he doesn't interrupt. "Sometimes people do bad things when they're in a bad situation. It doesn't make them bad people."

He'd like to trust Mr Hanekoma on this, but it's hard. "… Maybe," he concedes, but he still thinks the person he started the game as … was not a very good person.

"You don't have to believe me," he says, "but either way, you're not that person anymore."

And that much, he can agree with. "But I still keep thinking about it."

Hanekoma pulls a stool over and sits down. Sips his coffee. "And?"

"Is it … is it awful that I keep thinking about what if I _did_ try to kill him? I mean, he's my _friend_."

"He did ask you to, Neku," he says, stirring his cup, though Neku didn't see him put in cream or sugar or anything. "But Neku -- Josh isn't as easy to kill as all that."

A disbelieving stare. "So what's even the point in asking me? Just to fuck with me?"

"I wouldn't put it past him," he admits, "but … it's a bit of a trust exercise."

"Because trying to kill someone who can't die takes _so_ much trust."

Hanekoma blinks. "He's not immortal."

Sometimes, Neku wonders who _Hanekoma_ is, that he's such an expert on everything. "He's good as," he says instead. 

"Nah. He'd die if you wanted him dead; trying to kill someone and actually wanting them dead aren't the same thing."

 _They're good as,_ he bites back, but Neku understands that, a little. Just as he hadn't wanted Shiki dead, or Beat him, that second week. Maybe he does get it. "Why's that even matter?" Dodging the real question, but maybe Hanekoma'll give him answers he can use, all the same.

Hanekoma sips his coffee, mulling it over. Trying to decide how much Neku should hear, like Neku isn't already not-quite-friends with the Composer? How much even is there? "You've got a lot of power, kid," he says finally. "Josh likes you, and he likes pushing his limits, and you're -- special."

Great. Neku loves being special; it fills him with reassurance that he's not going to get screwed over by the Composer's latest 'homicidal at best, omnicidal at worst' whim. He doesn't interrupt, though. 

"So he likes feeling like he's risking something, and here _you_ are, with more trust for him than he gives anybody …."

"Trust your partner," he mutters, and Hanekoma nods seriously. Trusting Joshua's got him shot, though. Twice. 

That must've shown on his face, because he adds, "Look, he's not too used to the RG kinds of affection, so would you at least think about it? For me?"

Dead people are _weird_ , but Mr Hanekoma probably has his reasons, and Neku trusts _him_ , at least. "I never wanted to hurt anyone," he says, because he needs to hear it out loud.

"Never said you did, kid. But sometimes _being_ hurt feels like the best way to show you have control, or that you can lose it, and things'll still be okay."

Neku makes a noncommittal sound, and Hanekoma lets him sit on that, enjoying his coffee and refilling Neku's cocoa when he finishes it. He even doesn't charge for once, a minor miracle, and it's nice. Maybe not the best of circumstances, but enjoy the moment with everything you've got, right? 

Even if it is kind of messed up.

* * *

He's in rather lighter spirits, having talked about his artwork (he still needs to learn to commit to _something_ , even if it's wrong, but Hanekoma sees a lot of potential) and how his drumming's going, and even how his application for Geidai is going. Hanekoma's uncharacteristic generosity unfortunately doesn't extend to free donuts, but he gives Neku another refill, and then of course once he thinks of leaving, Joshua saunters in like he owns the place.

Which, honestly, he might.

"Heeeey, Josh!" Hanekoma calls, waving as he walks over. Joshua waves back, smug as ever, as Hanekoma leans towards him and says, "I talked to him for you."

"I _see_ ," Joshua replies quietly, expressionless. He turns to Neku and waves cheerfully: "Good morning, Neku."

"It's mid-afternoon," Neku corrects irritably, but Joshua just waits. "… Hey."

Apparently satisfied, Joshua smirks at him. "I need to talk to Mr H, but if you would …?"

"Hachiko in an hour? I need to drop this off at home." 

Joshua nods and moves out of the way of the door for Neku to pass. "Have a good trip, Neku," he says, and the welcome mat slides just as Neku steps onto it.

Fucking -- he catches himself before he hits the floor and _glares_ at Joshua. "You really couldn't stop from being that much of an asshole?"

Joshua shrugs. "Honestly, Neku, it's not my fault you're clumsy."

"Right. See you in an hour," he forces out. Must he always …. It's not worth it: he's got things to do, and Joshua's just trying to piss him off. Better to spite him when he can. "Nice seeing you, Mr H!" he calls as he leaves, and he hears a "Come back anytime!" before the door closes and he's off.

* * *

No one's there when Neku goes to drop his stuff off, thank fuck. He didn't think anyone would be this early, but it's nice to have the confirmation. It makes it easy for him to pack away his larger sketchbook and grab some pocket money without anyone hassling him.

He heads straight over towards Hachiko once he's done with his errands, since he's got nothing better to do, and settles in to snack and draw until Joshua gets there. _If_ Joshua gets there; it wouldn't be the first time he no-showed, not by a long shot.

He texts Shiki and Beat, just in case: `If i dont say anything to you by tomorrow morning, joshuas probably murdered me again, sorry. (҂ù_ú)`

He gets a `u ok dude?` and `plz try not to die ｡゜(｀Д´)゜｡` back, and replies to them both with `I think itll be fine so dont worry too much.`

There. Worst-case scenario accounted for, and there's worse things he could do with an afternoon than sit on a bench and sketch the passersby, as he nibbles his Sunshine chicken nuggets. It's cool enough that his ice cream'll keep until he's done, and he doesn't think it's a Game week: Hachiko tends to feel different around that time.

Shibuya's a beautiful city, and late afternoon's a beautiful time for it.

"You'd think the tourists would have found something else to do by now," Joshua says from behind his bench.

Neku doesn't jump, but it's a near thing. He glances at his phone to check the time, then turns to look at him. "You're late, you know." Five minutes exactly. Neku'd lay money on it being down to the second; it seems the thing he'd do.

"Am I?" Like he hadn't thought about it. He lightly rests a hand on Neku's shoulder and closes his eyes, mouth moving silently, then hops over the bench to join him.

"Ice cream?" he says, already handing Joshua the second cone. The city sounds that little bit louder -- not like it did in the Game, but close enough that he figures Joshua did _something_ \-- but he's too relaxed to want to ask questions he won't hear the answers to, and it's probably harmless enough.

Joshua makes a face, but takes it anyway; it's melting a little. "If you insist," he concedes, licking the drips away with deliberation. A bit goes onto his fingers, and he licks that, too. Neku forces himself to look back at the crowds; Joshua's just messing with him again.

He crunches the last of his own ice cream cone, then turns towards Joshua, not actually looking at him. "So … did you have a plan, or …?"

"I was thinking of taking you back to my place," he says, so casually he might as well have been talking about the weather.

His first instinct's to yell at him for making fun of him like that, but Joshua's hands are closed, tense like he so rarely is, and he might actually have meant it. Neku's _never_ been invited to anything of Joshua's, unless you count the Game; he's always had to do the real legwork, and Joshua would follow it or not depending on his whims, like a particularly aggravating poodle. It's either Neku's suggestions or Mr Hanekoma's; Neku hadn't even been sure if there was anything between the Composer and the Joshua he sees once in a blue moon.

"You have a place?" he says once he's kicked his surprise down. Joshua looks at him like he's particularly obtuse today; what's that for? "… Wait, you mean …."

"Yes, Neku," he says patiently. "The apartment down by the Shibuya River is mine. I _am_ the Composer."

"Yeah, but …." It hadn't seemed like someplace anyone would actually _stay_. Just some strange secret base for the old Conductor. It makes sense, though, if he thinks about it and squints. "Isn't there a wall there in the Realground? I'm alive."

"I could fix that," he says, leering, but he keeps talking as Neku shoves him. "I raised your Frequency enough for you to get through if you're with me," he explains. "I can't bring you fully to the Underground -- you _are_ alive, regrettably -- but it's close enough for this purpose."

"Huh." He's not sure what Joshua wants, but he might like to find out. _And_ he's caught up on his homework, and he doesn't want to head home before he has to. Maybe they can watch a movie or something. What did even he have there? He just remembers bright lights and fish and a _lot_ of money spent very visibly. It can't be too bad. "Okay."

Joshua's eyebrows twitch, and he smirks. "Wow, Neku, I never suspected you were a cheap date."

"I am not a cheap date!" he squawks. "This isn't a --" Wait. _Is_ this a date?

Joshua's grin widens like this is the best thing he's seen all week. "Yes, Neku," he says patiently, "this is a date."

"Since when?!" No one told him this was a date!

"Neku," he drawls, "I just invited you to my own personal domain -- and as you may imagine, I do not do that often -- after requesting from you a sexual favour, which you were -- while not amenable to -- _not_ completely opposed. Yes. This is a date."

He's going to need a minute to process this. " _What_ sexual favour?" he says slowly.

Joshua looks at him like a particularly obtuse beetle.

Eventually, it dawns on him. "… Wait. That's a sex thing?"

"It can be, Neku." And Joshua is the slightest bit pink, which _almost_ makes up for Neku's spider monkey impression. Almost. At least he's not the only one who's lost some composure.

And wait, shit. "… I talked to Mr H about a _sex thing_?" Oh god. Hanekoma is never going to take him seriously again.

"He's quite the busybody," Joshua says dryly.

He talked to Mr Hanekoma about a sex thing. He talked to Mr Hanekoma about _Joshua's_ sex things. His life is over -- wait, maybe he shouldn't think that near Joshua.

Joshua looks like he's having the time of his life -- or death, as the case may be. The dog who'd found the bone with the steak still attached. "Now if you're quite finished, shall we?"

Neku buries his head in his hands. At least he figured this out _before_ they'd left, because he's going to need a minute, and taking it in public's a hell of a lot better than at Joshua's place.

Okay.

So Joshua wants him to -- what, pretend to murder him to get his rocks off? How does he feel about this?

… Honestly, less creeped out than when he'd thought it was just to mess with him as part of his weird dead people hobbies. Joshua's still trying to mess with him because he's an asshole, but it's also some kind of weird sex thing, and Neku can _kind_ of understand the appeal of life or death situations. Kind of. Not enough to want to ever need to be in one again. But he can see there is one, and Joshua always needs some new boundary to push.

He's actually thinking about this. Joshua wants weird creepy murder sex with him and he's not rejecting this out of hand.

When did his life come to this, and why is he not bothered by it?

"Is this some weird 'you' thing, or do other people actually do this, too?" he asks, because apparently he's never learned not to ask questions he doesn't want the answers to.

"Thousands of people die from autoerotic asphyxiation each year, Neku," he says. He is way too entertained by this.

It takes him a moment, but " _Why?_ " is all Neku can say to that. "-- And why do you _know_ that!?"

"You'd have to ask Tenho," he says cheerfully. Neku's confusion must've showed on his face, because he clarifies: "The reaper who first stole the microphone?"

Wait, what? "He died from _choking himself_?!"

Smug. Always smug. "Choking himself while masturbating. Yes."

He could have gone his whole life without knowing that. He remembers not knowing that. It was a happier time. "I really hate you," he says with fervour. "Let's go."

"You lead," Joshua says, and his smile might even be honest. Jerk.

* * *

Their trek through the sewers is mostly uneventful, Joshua narrating something about the rivers Styx and Acheron that leave Neku with some inexplicable feeling of déjà vu, though he could have sworn he hadn't heard it before.

Rivers through death, rivers around death. "If vampires can't cross running water, you'd think you'd have trouble," Neku quips, when they get to the little stream that could pass for what's left of the river.

Joshua chuckles, and Neku's boot gets stuck in a piece of sludge. "Real mature," he says, and while he'd kept most of himself out of it, he's still splattered sewer goop onto his trousers. Ewwww.

"Wow, Neku, you really stink," Joshua says, like he's learned something new. 

"Thanks," Neku says, "since it's not like you're the one who decided a sewer seemed a great place to stay."

"It's traditional," Joshua says absently.

"Some tradition."

And there's the wall. If Neku squints, he can almost see the tangle of barbed wire and Noise that had been his nemesis during the Game.

"Second thoughts?" Joshua says, watching him. He's staring, he realises.

"Lead the way, O Great Composer," Neku drawls, completely deadpan, and he does. 

* * *

"Welcome to my humble abode," Joshua says as they walk through the wall, and the sudden light blinds him for a moment. 

The place in the sewers is just as ridiculous as it had been in the Game, but now that Neku's looking for it, he can see how this could be Joshua's. Bright, clean lines, minimal design, and the clashing childishness of a foosball table in the back. Of course foosball; his partner watches kiddie TV, doesn't he, so why would Neku expect a little maturity in the secret base for his job as evil taskmaster of the damned. God.

Neku half-expects that if he's got a bookshelf, half of it'll be shounen manga, and _not_ the good stuff.

And he's thinking about anything other than what he's about to do. What a coward.

"So …" He doesn't know what to say.

Joshua's eyes flicker to Neku's boots, covered in more sewer grime than he wants to think about, and he removes them belatedly. "Anything I can get you? I _am_ your host," he says smoothly, eyebrows raised.

"Um …." What _did_ you ask for in this situation?

"A drink? Food? … Sexual favours?"

Neku chokes back a laugh. He'd be offended, but -- that is actually what they're here for, isn't it. Holy shit. "I could go for a shower," he admits.

Joshua beams. _He_ is of course still immaculate, sewer trek notwithstanding. "Down the hall and to the left," he says, pointing. "The towels are fresh."

"… right," and he escapes off to it. 

The bathroom is as fancy as everything else, the floor aquarium extending up to form one of the walls, though there's a large reef between the bathroom and the lounge. It's a little disconcerting stripping with some tangs staring at him, but it's not like the fish are going to tell anyone. 

He's halfway through his shower before he realises he'd forgot to ask for a change of clothes, but by the time he's out, his own set's cleanly folded next to the sink. Probably from the same Composer talent he'd used for his own clothes; Neku hadn't heard anyone come in, and can't imagine Joshua would pass up the chance for commentary.

This is so incredibly weird, but not bad. Everything might actually be okay, despite everything. 

* * *

But of course it doesn't feel that way when he steps back out into the lounge. Joshua's sprawled over one of the sofas, having changed into what looks to be frilly Natural Puppy pyjamas, judging by the colour scheme. Neku hadn't even known Natural Puppy made pyjamas, but if anyone would buy them, it'd be Joshua.

It'd almost be amusing, but Joshua's watching him as soon as he steps into view, and he feels like the rabbit that's just found the wolf. A pastel blue and pink wolf, mind, but a wolf nonetheless. 

Neku doesn't even have his hair styled right now.

Joshua looks him over, clearly judging, and smirks. "Don't worry," he purrs, "I only bite if you ask politely."

… really? Neku can't help it: he laughs. "Get a new line," he says. "That's the cheesiest thing I've ever heard."

Joshua smiles, and it's like being let in on a joke. "I told Sanae that, but did he listen? I think he might still be using it, actually."

'Sanae' sounds like a name he should recognise, but he doesn't. Maybe one of the reapers. "You can tell him I'll back you up on that one, if you want," he says, and he might even mean it. It's a pretty bad line. 

"I just might." Joshua's grin is all teeth.

Neku's sure something is going to fall on him -- nothing goes his way for long, and Joshua keeps being very nearly decent, which can't be a good sign -- but fuck it. Fuck it. He sets his dignity aside, and … "So, did you have a plan, or …?" Smooth, Neku. Smooth. 

Joshua hums, thinking about it. He probably has a plan with charts, knowing him, but hell if he'd let Neku know anything about it until the last minute. Neku kind of wonders what's wrong with him, that he's okay with that today. Maybe he won't be tomorrow, but that's tomorrow.

"With Megumi, we usually went straight to it," Joshua says, self-satisfied, "but you probably expect some reciprocation, hm~?"

Megumi. He recognises that name. It takes him a second, but -- " _You had sex with your Conductor!?_ "

"No," Joshua explains patiently, "I occasionally had him kill me for my own amusement."

" _That's not any better!_ "

Joshua honestly looks confused, like it's _Neku's_ fault he sees anything wrong with this. And that's -- holy shit. Either Joshua's trying to piss him off, and that's not a subject anyone should ever joke about, or he _honestly doesn't understand why Neku'd be upset_ , and either way, that's -- holy shit.

Holy shit.

"Is there a problem?" Joshua says eventually, watching him. Not smug, not amused, just -- watching. Holy shit.

Holy shit. "To start with," Neku says shakily, "you just told me you killed one of your exes."

Joshua tilts his head. "We never dated."

"I don't care," Neku states. "He trusted you -- he trusted you enough that you used him for your _weird hang-ups_ \-- and you killed him for, for what, a bet?"

"He knew the terms when he agreed to it," and it's not justifying, just laying out the facts, but Neku doesn't have words for how much he doesn't give a shit right now.

"Get out," Neku snarls, and holy shit, but he just said that to the _Composer_ in _his own place_ and there is no way he's getting out of this alive --

\-- Joshua looks at him and vanishes.

* * *

Neku … is really not sure what to do now. Heading home's not really an option this time of day; they'll be getting back soon and that's one confrontation he'd like to avoid. Maybe he can see if the Bitous would put him up for a night -- who is he fooling? They might like him, but they don't want him around. And Shiki's family's weird about her being friends with boys, even if it grates on him to count as one. He's not sure what they're worried about; maybe that she'd rub off on him or something.

Honestly, what he'd _like_ to do is sleep right here on the couch, even if he's not sure how to turn the lights off. Joshua's not here (he's not sure where he went, but he's not here) and he's so much more tired than he thought he was. Sleep here, maybe skip class tomorrow. It has a definite appeal, if he ignores that Joshua's surely pissed at him and he's probably going to come back.

His phone buzzes: new text. From a number he doesn't know. He checks it anyway:

`You may stay as long as you'd like. I won't interrupt.`

Joshua. He so does not want to have this conversation right now. `Are you reading my mind or something?`

`Not intentionally, but it's difficult not to when you're thinking about me.`

`Try harder.`

He waits a minute to see if Joshua'll reply again, but he seems to have taken the hint. Small mercies.

Since he's got his phone out, he might as well text Beat and Shiki. `Well. I'm not dead yet.`

`oh good`, Shiki replies. `did it go okay?`

… He's not sure he wants to talk about this with Shiki; Shiki'd just tell him Joshua's an asshole and not worth his time, and while she's right, it's not what he wants to hear right now. `It was okay. Ill talk to you about it tomorrow. Going to bed.` That's probably good enough.

`night`

Come on, Beat, reply …! _There_ we go. … Right, his phone doesn't have a real keyboard. ` thats prolly good`

`Yeah i wasnt sure for a bit there. Joshs an asshole.` On the off-chance Joshua's listening (like there's any real possibility he isn't), Neku makes sure to think it very loudly. Serves him right.

`need me 2 punch him 4 u?`

He chuckles. If only. `Nah i got it. Thanks though.`

`np`

Yaaaaaawn. He really ought to go, though he's not sure where to. Go somewhere where he doesn't have to deal with this callous asshole, or at least not immediately. But … Joshua _did_ say he can stay, and he's not really looking forward to going through the sewers again. If he can even leave on his own, and that's an actual question. Fuck it.

` Josh and i had a fight. Im gonna crash on his couch though. Check tomorrow to see if im okay ok?`

`idk man i dont trust him but sure ok good luck`

He'll need it. `Thanks.`

… right. First to see if he can turn down the lights, and … might as well ask Joshua what he's wondering. Joshua's a shitbag, but the question is how _much_ of a shitbag? ` So can I leave or am I stuck here.`

`You're free to leave whenever you like.`

It's only the minimum standard, but he still relaxes. `OK. Im staying here tonight then. I dont want to see you until tomorrow though.`

And that's still the minimum standard, but his relief when Joshua texts back an `Understood.` is palpable. This is pathetic.

He gets up to turn on the jukebox, and finds out its library contains every band Neku's heard of and many he hasn't; perks of being the Composer, he guesses, and it only takes a few minutes and some yelling to put on a playlist like the one on his player. The lights are a mystery, but either they're on a timer for the fish or Joshua pulls some strings, because they dim on their own.

He settles onto the couch and watches the fish, until he eventually drifts off to sleep.

This evening's fired.


	2. Chapter 2

Neku's going to guess the lights are on a timer, because they come on again right when his phone says it's six in the morning. Too damn early, in Neku's opinion, but he could make it to school in time if he tries.

He doesn't feel like trying today. School can suck it.

This couch is the most comfortable thing he's sat on in his life. He is going to marry this couch. He is going to marry this couch and hope it produces little absurdly-comfortable couch babies. He loves this couch.

He loves this couch so much that he almost -- almost -- doesn't turn and scowl when he hears someone walking up. Joshua, of course, today all decked out in a Lapin Angelique dress and carrying a tray of coffee, pancakes, and soup. Joshua smiles wanly when Neku looks at him, but he just silently sets the pancakes on his side of the table and sits down on the other couch, soup in hand. He then daintily pours them both some coffee, and leans back like he hasn't a care in the world.

But he's leaving it to Neku to break the silence first. "… Hey," Neku says eventually.

"Good morning, Neku," he says politely. He sips his seafood soup, and he keeps not quite looking in Neku's direction. If this is Joshua with his tail between his legs … well, Neku doesn't regret yelling at him -- Joshua deserved that and more -- but this is just _bizarre_. Like he's not sure which way to run.

"… You sleep okay?" he says, for lack of anything better. What the hell _do_ you say to the biggest asshole you know, whose current approximation of 'guilt' is much closer to 'I'm sorry you're mad at me' than anything resembling personal responsibility? Neku has no idea.

"Hm?" Joshua glances up, the hangdog look gone as if it never were. Just easy confidence, now and always. "I don't need to sleep," he starts to say, and just as Neku's furrowing his brow, he adds, "but I slept fine. Mr H let me stay with him." Not _quite_ a jab at the audacity of Neku kicking Joshua out of his own place. He thinks.

But that explains the food. He starts attacking his pancakes, for something to do as much as anything else. "Mr H, huh," he repeats. "You having him tell me to give you a chance again?"

 _That_ gets his hackles up, and if Neku can read him that easily, last night must have _really_ thrown Joshua off his stride. "That was on his own initiative," Joshua says archly. "I simply wished to speak to him."

"Right," Neku says, less than convinced. "Well, do you at least understand _why_ I'm mad?"

Joshua isn't looking at him. "A lack of information as to the nature of life and death, presumably," he says, snide.

"If it's just a _lack_ of information," Neku says, voice cold, "then you can do something about it." Like that would ever happen. Is there even a point to this? Joshua won't give up his advantages, and he definitely won't admit he could have done something wrong. Neku honestly might better spend his time by rushing home to get his stuff and heading off to school, as little as he wants to do that today.

"It's difficult," Joshua says slowly, and _screw_ difficult, "because much of it's classified past where even most Reapers are allowed to know."

"Gee, thanks." Joshua might -- might; Neku doubts it, but he might -- be telling the truth about that, but it certainly doesn't make Neku feel better. Besides, Joshua is the Composer. Who the hell does he need to answer to? 

"Neku." Joshua leans back against the couch, lazily regal in his lace and ruffles, and looks straight at him. "Rest assured that Megumi knew precisely what the stakes were, and that erasure is not nearly as dreadful a fate as you seem to believe. His soul is likely quite satisfied in its new life; he was reaching a plateau as Conductor, anyway. I don't understand what you _wish to hear_." A quiet anger, that Neku doesn't immediately jump to his opinion.

Well, Joshua will just have to deal with that. "What I'm _looking for_ is some indication that you understand _murder is wrong_ ," Neku states, "or that someone might be upset by the idea of it happening to them!"

"He _agreed to play_!"

"Like I 'agreed' to play as your Proxy?" he snaps. "Pardon me if I don't instantly agree that oh, he knew what he was getting into!"

Joshua rubs at his temples. "But he _did_ know, Neku. Stop insulting him for being willing to move on for Shibuya's sake."

"Shibuya wouldn't even have been in danger if you hadn't decided it needed to go." And he's tired. Tired of being used, of being reminded Joshua's used other people, too.

Joshua sighs. Hesitates. "Neku?"

This had better be good. "What."

"I apologise," he says slowly, like the words taste bitter in his mouth. "I had not intended on upsetting you last night, and for that, I am sorry."

… _well_. "And the rest?" he says warily. 

"Subject to debate."

… That's … honestly better than he expected. It's not actually good, but it's still better than nothing. "So if you _didn't_ mean to piss me off, what the hell did you think you were doing?"

"I wanted you to momentarily picture Megumi naked," he says, like it's the most normal thing in the world. "He was quite an attractive man, after all, even if his fashion sense left something to be desired."

The former Conductor? Neku'll pass, thanks. "He was _twice our age,_ " he manages. "Let's not and say we didn't."

"Why does that matter?" Honest confusion again. Neku doesn't even know what to do with this guy. "And while he might be twice _your_ age, _I_ died before he was born."

That's … kind of weird, actually. He's not sure what to do with that tidbit, either. "… I think if you already don't see the problem here, you're not going to, and there are so many more important things to get you to realise are fucked up."

Joshua looks at him, hand on his chin. "But Neku," he says, "I'm already perfect."

And this is a bit more comfortable. "Yeah, right," Neku drawls. "Perfectly obnoxious."

Joshua preens. "You simply don't appreciate my superior intellect," he says, magnanimous, "but it's okay, Neku: I forgive you."

Neku smirks, a bit sad. "I'm tired of arguing," he admits. "Can't we just play foosball or something?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

* * *

Joshua wins the first game, and the second. By the third, Neku's suspecting him of cheating; Joshua offering him a handicap doesn't help matters. The fourth, Neku finally wins, and Joshua suggests they switch to Tin Pin.

Joshua handily wipes the board of him the first game, but Neku doubles down and they're neck and neck. Joshua is really unfairly good at Tin Pin; Neku's been able to beat Shooter even when he isn't throwing it at least one try out of three (and he tries not to think of how proud he is of beating a _child_ ), but Joshua is still a challenge.

"I thought you didn't know how to play Tin Pin," Neku accuses, and it's strange how much that bothers him.

"You're right: I didn't," Joshua says. He sets his pins down on the board: of course he can control three at once, even if he hasn't been to keep it fair. "I spent some time practicing in -- well. Suffice to say that if you ever _do_ decide to shuffle off this mortal coil, remind me to bring you to where I spent the third week."

"… I'll keep that in mind," he says flatly. What _is_ it with Joshua and wanting Neku to be dead? At least he hasn't taken matters into his own hands ….

And that reminds him: he needs to message Beat and Shiki again, especially since they might find out he didn't show up to school. He pulls his phone out, Joshua inclining his eyebrow as a silent question, and sends them a text: `Hanging out with joshua today. Still not dead.`

They don't send him a reply, which is a good sign: it means they're in class. But that means it's the morning and Neku has the whole day to himself. "You wanna go out somewhere?" he says.

Joshua whistles. "Not that I'm not flattered, but I, Neku, am _not_ a cheap date."

"I -- what --" he splutters. "No! That is not what I meant!"

"What _did_ you mean, then, Neku?" he says, like he doesn't already know.

"I meant -- do you … want to go to WildKat, or Miyashita Park, or Udagawa, or something?"

Joshua hums. "We _could_ always do a reenactment of how we first met," he says brightly. "I'd need to call Minamimoto in, of course, even though it's his week off, but I'm sure he'd oblige us."

Neku hides his face in his palm. "Are you _trying_ to piss me off?" he says.

"Only when you make it so easy for me, dear."

And -- wait. "… I thought Minamimoto was dead."

"He _is_ dead, Neku: he's a Reaper." 

Sometimes, Neku really wants to punch him. " _Erased._ "

"Oh, I spared him," he says lightly, like multiple assassination attempts and Taboo magic are no big deal. "I never execute the _entertaining_ traitors."

"… who else is still around?" he says warily, not sure if he really wants to know. 

"Anyone erased due to the whole mess with the O-pins, or who had been executed by Konishi," he says primly. "Now _there's_ someone whose betrayal wasn't even interesting. I try to have a sense of humor about the whole thing, but I need them to put some effort into it, do you understand?"

No, Neku really doesn't, but he can see there's a logic to it. "So … 777, Lollipop, and Pinky?"

"Perfectly fine." He beams. "I hadn't thought you would care about the Reapers, Neku."

"I don't, exactly …." But they have their job, too, and maybe they're assholes, but they shouldn't be erased just for trying to do the right thing. Or for having been defeated and left for Konishi to pick her teeth with. That just isn't fair. 

The whole Game is unfair, but knowing what he does of Joshua … Neku assumes it can't _just_ be for the Composer's sadistic amusement, but any other actual reason is beyond him. 

"What about the players erased by Taboo Noise?" he says suddenly. 

"Beyond my power to control," he says quietly. "That's why it's Taboo."

"And yet you didn't kill Minamimoto." This guy makes no sense sometimes. 

"Well, it's only appropriate that he be the remainder, hm~?"

Wait. "Did you just _math pun_ at me?!"

He grins wolfishly. "I believe it's an integral part of talking about our dear former Game Master. Maybe it's a sine."

Neku rubs his forehead. " _I'm_ leaving; you can come if you want, but I don't have to take this from you."

Neku storms off; Joshua chuckles and follows.

* * *

Joshua tries to strike up conversation as they walk through the sewers once again, but Neku pulls his jacket up and goes, "I'm not talking to you right now." It's not the most mature thing he's ever done, but Joshua was making _math puns_. Neku has heard enough terrible math references to last lifetimes. 

Joshua stops next to the last of the piles of discarded car parts. Neku does too, after he realises. "So if you didn't know Minamimoto is still around," Joshua muses, "what did you think these were for?"

"Piles of trash?" Neku suggests. They still look like piles of trash, Grim Heaper's art project or not. "Maybe I should've realised from him not vanishing, but I kind of had other concerns at the time."

Joshua stares at the pile, shaking his head. "For a man with so much Imagination, his assemblage is truly dreadful."

"Yeah, I wouldn't recommend him to quit his day job."

" _And_ he went for a homage." He points with his foot to the caption: _Ceci n'est pas un tas de ferraille._ "Abysmal."

Neku glances at it and tries to puzzle out the French, then shakes his head. "Let's just keep going. I'm starting to lose my sense of smell.

* * *

Neku still can't pass by Sunshine without buying some soft serve, even if they did already eat and people keep giving him a wide berth. He's going to need to change again.

Unless …. "Hey, are you able to clean my clothes?"

Joshua hums. "Not while you're wearing them, no, but most people can't see you right now, anyway. I'd be happy to help you if you do your part!"

Neku's face burns. "I'm not stripping in public."

"Again, you mean?"

"We're not going to talk about that." He still has nightmares of being pants-free in public with Shiki. He definitely doesn't need to give them more fodder.

"What a shame."

Hey, wait …. "Is it okay for you to be out like this?" Neku asks, remembering Pi Face's power grab.

Joshua giggles, one hand on his bonnet and the other on his frilly skirt. Still impeccably clean, of course, and Neku's jealous. "I highly doubt he expects me to be wearing this," Joshua states with pride. "Besides, he usually leaves Shibuya when it isn't Game week, and it's hardly as though I'm helpless."

He's still not exactly the type to go out about town, though, Neku suspects. It's a little weird Joshua is doing this. For what? To spend time with Neku? It's not like he usually bothers.

"… right. Well, I need to go change, so why don't you think of something to do while we stop by my place?"

Joshua hums agreement, and his growing grin leaves Neku with a shiver crawling up his spine.

Maybe asking Joshua to make a plan isn't the greatest idea.

* * *

Neku doesn't see any sign they realised he wasn't home last night, but then he spends most of his time in his room, anyway, and they usually head out to work before he wakes up, so it's no surprise. He lets Joshua wait in the living room while Neku rinses off the grime and grabs a change of clothes. A jersey today, he decides, but he goes with all Jupiter of the Monkey as usual. Just in case, he packs a bag with his drawing supplies and a spare outfit; Joshua's apartment really is pretty nice.

Joshua's intently watching some kind of sentai series when Neku's done, and shushes him when he tries to interrupt.

"Shall we go?" Joshua says, once the credits are rolling.

"Where're we going?"

Joshua only smiles, and maybe Neku shouldn't follow him without knowing where, but he does anyway. They walk mostly in silence, Joshua being mysterious, Neku fiddling with his phone. -- Oh, hey, Beat texted him. `ok ill get ur notes n homework 4 u. u got a story?`

Beat's a good friend, Neku thinks. `Im gonna say i had a stomach bug. Just didnt want to go to school today.`

`aight well dont do this too often. keep in touch n b careful bout josh k?`

`I will.`

Joshua's raising his eyebrows at him when he puts his phone away. "Texting while walking," Joshua observes. " _And_ while with someone. How rude."

… really? "Are you this hypocritical by accident, or do you work at it?" Neku has to ask.

"It's a gift," he says airily, brushing it off with his hand, "and like all good gifts, I put a lot of time and effort into perfecting it. -- We're here."

So they went past 104, to A-East … ah. Lapin Angelique. Of course. "You wanted to go _clothes shopping_?" he says, but Joshua's already prancing into the store.

Neku's about to follow, even if he _really_ doesn't feel like shopping for much, but a familiar voice calls out, "Hey, Phones! Where's your phones?" and he turns and looks.

Oh. It's 777. "… Hey," Neku manages. _Please_ may he not be about to rope Neku into another freaking errand. "I've been leaving them at home, these days."

"That right?" he says, one hand on his hip in a statuesque contrapposto and _wow_ is his shirt tight. Neku slightly wishes he'd remove his hands from the band of his pants; he does not need to see irritating attractive rock stars today. "Hey, man, I was thinking: I heard some shit went down and we all kinda owe you one, so how about some tickets to my concert tonight? Half off."

… he's gonna _charge_? Neku starts to decline, but -- "Neku, did you get lost?" Joshua says, ducking back out of the store.

Please may 777 not recognise him; the last thing Neku needs is to be around a reaper looking for a promotion. _Again._ "I was gonna be right there," he says.

Joshua looks 777 over, whistling a bit. "We have a prior engagement tonight, I'm afraid, but if you have other days …?"

777 beams. "Two tickets for tomorrow, then?"

"Mmhm," Joshua purrs. "Neku, give the nice man some money."

"Why am _I_ \--" Neku gives up and ruffles through his pockets for his wallet. 777 says a price, and while that sounds kinda high, Joshua briskly snags his wallet and pays him. Neku gives up.

"Here you go!" 777 chirps, handing Neku the tickets. "Threw in some backstage passes for you, too. See you there!" And he waves and heads back to the concert stage.

Neku blinks. "Why the hell did you just do that?" he manages, staring at Joshua.

"I did say I wasn't a cheap date," he says primly, and walks back into the store.

Maybe he can give them to Shiki and Eri. They'd probably love them, and anyway he owes them at least one favour. Sigh.

* * *

Princess K is absolutely _delighted_ to see them, apparently recognising them both from when they came in during the Game. "You should bring your other friends next time, too," she says, foisting some tea and scones onto them both.

Joshua is perfectly poised, like he might actually have had tea with high society friends who weren't just play-acting, and as far as Neku knows, he might have. He doesn't _think_ so, but it's possible.

He really doesn't know anything about Joshua's life, does he, except that he'd looked at it all and thrown it away for the Underground. Was it worth it? Is it worth it enough for him to want Neku to join him in it willingly? Clearly there's _some_ upside, or else 777 and the rest wouldn't live their double lives, but Neku doesn't understand it.

Neku stays quiet, Joshua and Princess K practicing their skills at saying quite a lot without ever saying anything at all, until Princess K stands up and starts rooting through behind the counter.

"What did I miss?" he says.

"We were discussing your fashion sense," she repeats patiently. "Our honored guest here said you used to own one of our bunny parkas before losing it, and I remembered there was one where …." She finds it and pulls out out. "Just a little damaged seam, but we can't sell it like it is, and you're both some of our most valued customers …."

"Thanks," he says awkwardly. The only thing that happened to his last one was Joshua walking off with it, but he appreciates it anyway.

"Well?" she says. "Try it on."

He pulls the parka on, being careful not to roll up his sleeves. It's actually pretty comfortable, even if it doesn't really go with the rest of his outfit. 

"Hmm, maybe if you add a hair piece …." She heads into the back, then returns after a minute with what looks like a giant bat. "This might help; these aren't on the shelves yet, but they're absolutely _adorable_ and I'm sure it'd look great."

"May I?" Joshua says, taking the hair piece and looking significantly at Neku. Neku nods, not certain what he's agreeing to, as Joshua carefully hooks one of its legs around Neku's ear and clips it into place.

Neku glances in the mirror. Yeah, the outfit looks a lot less tacky with a giant fluffy bat on his head. More silly, but less tacky. "How much do I owe you?"

* * *

Neku manages to leave with his wallet more or less intact, despite Joshua needing to check every single parasol to find the one that matches his hair before deciding it's not _quite_ what he was looking for. Joshua suggests they get ramen for lunch, which is fine by him.

Or _was_ fine by him, until Joshua pulls him past Ramen Don and stops at Neku's nemesis. 

"No," Neku says, staring at Shadow Ramen's _Now Open_ sign.

"Their food _is_ good," Joshua says.

"It also costs ten times as much as Ramen Don, and it's not _that_ good. Who puts steak on ramen?" Neku likes steak, and Neku likes ramen, but both at the same time is just _wrong_.

But Joshua, picky bastard that he is, simply shrugs. "Our dear friend Mick, apparently," he says unnecessarily, "and it's _delicious_."

"It's also a travesty," Neku states. "I'm not doing it."

"Not even if I treat?"

Joshua spending his own money on something. That'll be the day. "If you've got money, why don't you pay me back for those tickets you bought?"

"Why should I? It was a good deal and I'm sure you can find _something_ to do with them. I was doing you a favour, really."

"It's not a favour when it's _my money!_ " Even if he did need to get Shiki and Eri something.

Joshua hums. "If it bothers you that much, consider it a trade for breakfast and rent."

Neku rubs at his temples. Sometimes he suspects Joshua does this just to frustrate him. … Other times, he knows it. "Why do you want to go to Shadow Ramen so badly, anyway?"

Joshua grins slyly and holds up a finger for each point: "One: it's almost completely empty. Two: the proprietor is dreadfully entertaining, and I'd rather like to see how much it'd take to get him to cry. And the third reason's a secret."

… Actually, that does sound kind of appealing, secret be damned. "Fine," he concedes, "but you're paying."

* * *

Joshua was right: Shadow Ramen _is_ deserted. Miki (he might be Mick to his friends, but Neku isn't his friend) keeps flinching every time Neku glances at him, half from astonishment that anyone would buy his food more than once and half from … concern about what else Neku might think is on the market. Oh dear.

Neku's almost glad he can't scan people anymore: last he remembers, Miki kept visualising his and Neku's torrid romance, amidst worries of what would happen if the cook saw he had left the till unattended. Like Neku would ever go for someone who's that much of a tool. 

"Can I -- get you anything?" Miki manages, glancing between the two of them like he's not sure which way to jump.

Joshua answers first. "We'll have some … steak," he says, giving him a significant glance, with enough eyebrow gymnastics to make 'steak' sound synonymous with 'lapdance'. Neku almost feels bad for the guy. Almost.

"A Shadow Steak Ramen for my friend, and Absolute Shadow Ramen for me, thanks," he says, stepping on Joshua's foot.

He seats them near the window, and Neku leans in once he's gone. "So what's the other reason?" he asks conspiratorially.

"After we eat," Joshua shushes him.

When Miki drops by to give them their food, Joshua inquires, "Is it true you were F'ed by Eiji Ouji?" Neku coughs to hide his laughter.

Neku can _see_ Miki's capacity for decency warring with the ruthless businessman, and eventually losing to what's either humility or mediocrity. "Oh, that -- that was a mistake," he explains apologetically.

He really should take pity on the poor man, but instead he drawls, "I'd heard it was pretty hot stuff. Totally gnarly, even."

From Miki's face, Neku'd almost think they were tigers. "I -- I'm sorry," he says, running off.

"I feel a little bad," Neku admits. "But only a little."

"Fortune is fickle," Joshua says sadly. "Let's eat."

Neku pokes at his ramen: it's not bad, but there's no way he can finish it. There's also no way it's actually worth however much it cost, but if Joshua keeps to his word, that won't be Neku's problem.

And Joshua _is_ going to keep to his word. Neku is going to be very upset otherwise.

"So what were you thinking?" he asks quietly.

Joshua hums, pushing a curl of hair back under his bonnet as he pulls out his phone.

Neku's got a text: `Do you think he would notice if we made out in the restroom? (｀ε´)`

He inhales a noodle. Fuck, fuck -- okay, got it out. He knew he might die if he went with Joshua, but not like this …! `ლ(ಠ_ಠლ) WHY`

`Why not?`

"I'm not having this discussion with you over text," Neku states, trying to keep his voice down. He's red, he knows he's red, and Joshua just -- might as well be talking about bunnies. Instead of how he has as much _discretion_ as them. 

"Oh?" he says, like he couldn't possibly know why.

" _Or_ in public!" There's no one else here; Miki might not be eavesdropping as far as he can tell, but there's no one else who could be saying this …!

Joshua taps his chin, thinking, then taps his forehead. "May I?"

What? _Oh._ "I guess," Neku says. Not like there's anything he could do to keep Joshua from scanning or imprinting him if he really wanted to, anyway.

An image in his head: not a memory, just the sense of a thought he knows he didn't have. Joshua shrugging, disappointed, as he says, `You expect so little of me.`

But is he _wrong,_ though. _I can't stop you from doing whatever you want to,_ Neku thinks, trying to make it _at_ Joshua, not sure how this works.

` That, I could hear anywhere even if I wasn't paying attention,` he replies with a laugh. He watches Neku, almost … wistful, maybe. Like there's something he wants that he didn't know he couldn't have, and can't decide if he'll try to get it anyway or if he'd never wanted it in the first place. `I'm not omnipotent.`

 _No, you're just the Composer of Shibuya,_ he thinks dryly.

` With power over life and death, entrusted with the task to guide Shibuya to a brighter future, et cetera et cetera et cetera,` he agrees. `To _guide_ , Neku. Not lead.`

And yet, he found the red skull pins _funny_. He's full of it. Neku stares at him, not even angry, just bland. He's so tired.

` They _were_ a good effort,` he agrees, smiling fondly in memory. He deftly scoops up a few noodles and savors them before moving on, though there's no reason he couldn't talk and eat at the same time. ` But Neku -- a composer writes the music, and a conductor leads the orchestra, but the players still have to play. A good conductor can account for a section's weaknesses, and a good composer can amend the composition, but still: they can't _force_ a player to play. Only replace them with a recording, and the Music needs more than that.`

There's a logic to that, but … he remembers imprinting, and how much he could mess around with the tech. Joshua might not be omnipotent, no, but ….

`I can't make anyone want to do anything they don't wish to,` he says, `and small mercies: can you imagine how _boring_ that would be, if I knew how every show would turn out before it was performed?`

Worse than the daily grind he saw himself facing and fled into the Underground to avoid, Neku suspects. He's seen Joshua bored. It isn't a pretty sight. 

`Wonder at my motivations all you'd like,` he says easily, `and who knows: maybe I _will_ kill you again. You were so much fun the last time, after all! But I have better things to do than use you as a puppet. Know that, at least.` Joshua watches him, letting that sink in.

He's not hungry anymore. "I'm done," he says, standing up. "Shall we go?"

* * *

Joshua, true to his word, covers the bill, Miki stammering that they're welcome back whenever they would like, as Joshua manages to insinuate that not only would he be interested in sleeping with Miki, he'd be happy to let Miki's girlfriend (or boyfriend; Joshua doesn't discriminate) watch, while nevertheless not actually saying much at all. It's impressive, whenever it isn't directed at Neku.

Neku accompanies him back to the west exit terminal, Joshua keeping the conversation to trivialities as they walk, so that Neku has plenty of time to mull over what he said.

But still not enough. Why is Joshua doing this? Neku hardly ever sees him even when he invites him; Joshua wasting a day with him is practically unheard of, especially now that they're out of the Game. He and his other friends, Neku amends: Joshua's not only still in it, but he _is_ the Game. 

And that should be more of a problem than it is.

"Can … I come back with you?" Neku asks, hesitant. Joshua's been decent, he's even occasionally been something resembling informative, but it feels like a lot to ask. It feels like an imposition even with Shiki and Beat, and they're his best friends. Joshua is just … Joshua, maybe not a threat, but always and forever the person who challenged him to a duel and saved their lives.

Joshua smirks and slides into a relaxed slouch, so subtle a change that Neku wouldn't have noticed if this day were even the slightest bit less strange. "Why, Neku, does this mean you _enjoy_ my company? I never would have thought …!" and he's so self-assured about it, Neku _knows_ it's a lie.

"Yeah, kind of," Neku says, almost surprised. "So is that a yes?"

Joshua doesn't blink, maybe just stares a moment longer than is normal, then beams. "Certainly, Neku. Mi casa es tu casa, mi muerte es tu muerte, mi futbolín es tu futbolín."

* * *

Joshua spends the entire walk back to his place on the phone, which Neku would be more annoyed by if he hadn't also texted Beat and Shiki what's going on. At least Joshua too is keeping it to texting, sharing the details of his date with Neku to Mr Hanekoma while Neku's listening being too obnoxious even for him.

Or that's what he assumes he's doing, anyway. Does Joshua even have other friends? Certainly none Neku knows of, anyway.

Joshua strides confidently through the wall (of course he does; it's his home), and after a moment, so does Neku. He knows now to cover his eyes as he walks in: it's still _so_ bright, but he can deal with it. He can deal with this, even, whatever 'this' happens to be.

He pulls off his shoes without being prompted (and god, Joshua's still perfectly maintained; Neku is jealous and doesn't even care) and gives Joshua a quick look. "I'm gonna take a shower," he says briskly, and walks off without waiting for a reply.

Neku's almost able to ignore the fish by now, which is probably why there's a _giant worm with **way** too many legs_ poking its head out of the reef this time.

"Joshua?" he calls, poking his head out the door, and blessedly his voice doesn't waver.

"Yes?"

"You have a _monster from Hell_ in your aquarium."

"Oh," he says like it's nothing, "that's Barry. Isn't he cute?"

Neku growls in frustration, and when he closes the shower door, it's maybe a bit harder than necessary.

Fucking Joshua.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Ceci n'est pas un tas de ferraille._ \-- This is not a scrap heap. Thank you, Zhorken, for your assistance.
> 
> Barry owes his existence to [this article.](http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1165930/Barry-giant-sea-worm-discovered-aquarium-staff-mysterious-attacks-coral-reef.html)


	3. Chapter 3

Joshua'd cleaned his clothes again for him (thank you, Joshua, for occasionally being actually _useful_ ), and when Neku gets dressed, he pauses to consider his spoils from the day. Eh, it's cold; he pulls on the bunny parka, though he leaves off the hairpiece. And Joshua doesn't have any hair gel, so … hood up it is. He'd feel unarmed without his spikes, otherwise.

When Neku returns to the lounge, he sees Joshua slide off his perch on the bar and beckon him to the foosball table. "Would you like to play a game?"

"Sure," Neku says. Not really what he'd expected, but it's not bad.

Neku has a distinct feeling Joshua just _let_ him win, but fuck it, he'll take it.

"Look at this," Joshua says, gesturing expansively at the table. "All of these little players, moving in accordance with our wills, as we compete to kick the ball into the other goal."

Neku raises an eyebrow. "Yeah," he says, patient, "that's foosball."

"All of them responding to the jerk of a knob," he adds, quirking his eyebrows with a smirk, watching Neku like a dog does a ball. "Beautiful."

Is he trying to be deep, or flirting? "You know," Neku drawls, "I would have a much easier time taking you seriously if you were talking about anything other than foosball."

"Hey, Neku," he says, brushing his hair out of his eyes, "wanna hammer my pins while we're both hard, until one of us falls off the table and needs to get fingered?"

Neku stares at him. One beat. Two. And buries his head in his hands. " ** _Why,_** " he howls. 

"Was that too much?" Mock innocent, because of _course_ he is, and Neku kind of wants to kill him except he's laughing too hard. Or possibly crying: Neku can't tell. 

"When," he manages, catching his breath, "when I said that, I meant _anything other than children's games._ "

"You should be more specific next time, Neku," he chides, grinning. "Otherwise, someone might just take that the wrong way."

Neku slumps into a sigh. "Look, if you're going to hit on me, just -- hit on me. Don't make it about foosball, don't make it about Tin Pin, don't make it about whatever bizarre point you're trying to make. Just … be direct, okay?"

Joshua hums. "Does that imply you return my feelings?" he says lightly. Making it into a joke; Neku can't hurt him if he doesn't care. Not everyone needs headphones to shut out the world.

"Given that I don't want you to murder me, I'm gonna guess not," he says dryly, before rubbing at his neck. "I don't know what your feelings are, okay? You don't make sense to me. … But I trust you."

"Trust in someone you neither understand nor forgive," Joshua murmurs. "You're very strange, Neku."

"I know," Neku says, "but I also know _you_. Put what you want into words, and maybe I'll say yes."

Joshua shifts his weight onto the foosball table, casual. So casual. "I've told you what I want," he murmurs.

"What? Just for me to choke you?" Neku watches him, crossing his arms. "Be specific."

Joshua backs up, pushes himself onto the bar. Retreating to higher ground. "I want you to choke me," he says, one hand fiddling with his ruffles, the other hand splayed over the edge of the counter. "I want you to choke me, and I want to know I owe my continued existence to your unfathomable goodwill, that you have used me and I you and we have neither of us met in the middle, only brushed up close enough to see the chasm. Neku, I want _you_ , but I -- I don't -- _what do you **want**_!?"

Joshua's glaring now, tense like a lightning storm, the counter where his hand's now clenching down crackling and reforming with his power. Neku watches him, face blank, and takes a step forward. And another, and another. Looks up at Joshua, the bar giving him that extra height, Neku's mouth open in a silent question, not caring even a little if Joshua pulls what he's thinking out of his mind.

Joshua stares, eyes wide in more fear than he'd shown the Taboo Noise, and kisses him.

It's not very good, neither of them sure where to fit their noses, and Joshua with a bit of fish breath, but Joshua's eager to shove his tongue into Neku's mouth and Neku doesn't mind, doesn't mind at all. Beat's more cautious, more sweet and patient and exploratory, but Joshua pulls Neku close to him like he thinks he'd disappear otherwise. Neku returns the embrace, one hand on the small of his back, trying to be careful and steady even as Joshua pushes in enough that Neku accidentally bites his tongue. At least Joshua doesn't seem _disappointed_ by that, though.

It's not very good, but it _is_ Joshua, and Neku's a bit disappointed when he has to pull back to breathe. "Joshua," he says, and the name sounds odd in his voice. "I don't know what I want," he admits, and it might as well have been a bullet for the look on Joshua's face. "I don't know what I want, but -- Joshua, you're my friend, and I _like_ you. You're a jerk and a manipulative bastard and the biggest asshole I know, but you're still my friend, and I don't want you to be unhappy. So -- so if it's okay with you, that I don't know what I want, then let's do it."

Joshua's still staring, long enough that Neku starts to wonder if he'd said the wrong thing, and then he starts to laugh, this harsh, hushed hyena chuckle that carries on until he suddenly stops. "Of course, Neku," he says finally, like he's not sure why he expected anything different. "… Can I go down on you?"

Neku chokes, face bright red. That's, uh. That's a better reaction than he expected.

Joshua smiles at him indulgently. "Or jerk you off; I suppose I'm not too particular," he amends, like it's the weather.

"The, uh, the first one sounds good?" he squeaks. He just -- he just said that, and he sounded like a _dork_. "I like the first idea," he reiterates, more confidently.

Joshua smirks, maybe brighter than he'd meant, and readjusts his bonnet. "Do try to refrain from comparing me to your other partners, mind," he adds. "I just might take offense."

… wait, _what?_ "You --" Neku hasn't even _had_ a blowjob before, and -- wait. "Inform me before reading my mind!"

"It's not my fault that I hear you when you shout," he says breezily. "I'll see what I can do, if it bothers you so much."

"Good. Do that." He rubs at his arm and sighs. It's good that Joshua isn't making this weird.

Well. He _is_ making this weird, but he isn't being any less _Joshua_ about it. Neku was worried, for a moment.

Joshua's watching him, he realises, waiting for him to decide to move. Neku smiles at him: _it's okay._ Joshua smirks, like it's completely ridiculous that anyone would think he could have been concerned.

"… Now what?" Neku says.

The lights dim as Joshua hums like he's tackling a particularly interesting problem, and he lightly directs Neku to sit on the edge of the couch, feet on the floor and legs apart. "Clothes on or off?"

"Eh?" Neku goes. He hadn't thought ahead that far. 

"Clothes on leaves a particular sense of debauchery; clothes off makes this seem planned," Joshua explains. "I refuse to do this if you're wearing just a shirt, though only trousers has a certain appeal."

That … almost makes sense. Sort of. "If I'm gonna be naked, do I need to take my socks off? Your floor is cold."

Joshua takes a moment to consider this. "I suppose socks are acceptable," he concedes, "if you absolutely _must_."

"… Are you gonna strip if I do?" 

"No," Joshua says like it's obvious. "This outfit is too cute to deprive you of." He twirls the skirt a bit, demonstrating. It _is_ pretty cute. Not the kind of frills Neku prefers, but definitely wearable.

"Clothes on, then," he decides. "I'm not gonna be naked while you're fully clothed."

Joshua hums agreement and kneels between his legs before reaching up and undoing Neku's zipper so he can pull out his … his dick; if Neku's really honestly doing this with him, he should be able to think the words.

This is actually happening. That's kind of odd to think about, especially since it's happening with _Joshua_. He'd've thought he'd have better taste.

Joshua eyes his cock like a dog that's finally found the bone and leans in.

"Cold!" Neku squawks. "Why is your mouth _cold_?!"

Joshua pulls back. "Is it?" he says blandly. "I must have forgot."

"How do you _forget_ \--"

"My body temperature is much higher now," he says airily. "Apologies for the inconvenience."

"You did that on purpose, you rat bastard," Neku says, but he's cut off by Joshua leaning in again and giving his shaft a long lick. He _is_ much warmer now, and looks as smug as he's ever seen him, but honestly? Neku feels he's earned it. You go right ahead feeling smug about being able to do that, Joshua. Neku is not gonna argue.

Joshua puts his mouth around the head and presses his tongue against the slit, and once Neku is well and truly hard (it doesn't take that long; he _is_ still a teenager), he pulls back to inspect his handiwork. There's a small amount of precome on his mouth, which he licks away once he sees Neku watching. Show off. 

And then an image in his head: Joshua on the floor in his Lapin Angelique finest (and that stuff is way too expensive for Neku to _imagine_ risking like this, but he guesses saving on the dry cleaning bill is nothing compared to raising the dead), regal and poised like this is a tea ceremony; Neku looking down on him with more unguarded awe than he's ever seen on his own face, not even in a mirror. It might be what he looks like when he sees really good art; his face feels kind of like that. An Imprint: Joshua not suggesting anything, just trying to show Neku what he sees. The clothes do lend a certain appeal, though Neku's not sure how he feels about the bunny hood. 

Yeah, okay, he would look extremely silly in just a shirt. Joshua had a definite point there. Socks are perfect and he's not sure what Joshua has against them, but just a shirt would look asymmetrical in a bad way.

"Enjoy the view?" Joshua says, raising his eyebrows suggestively. Neku is pretty sure they're past where they need 'suggestion'.

"Why don't you go back to doing something useful," he says without heat, and Joshua does, one hand fondling Neku's balls and the other sneaking down Neku's pants to his ass as he sticks his cock in his mouth.

It's a strange, wet heat, but not bad.

`Only not bad?` he hears in Joshua's voice. `I'm insulted.`

Wait, but …. _Oh._ "Telepathy again?"

` Just the surface,` Joshua promises. `Makes it a little easier to see if I'm doing it right, hm~?`

"You really should have asked me first," Neku says, but he's not mad.

`I announced myself immediately,` he replies, miffed, and maybe there's a downside to this state of affairs, because he punctuates that with the suggestion of teeth. Maybe he should've been suspicious of Joshua's enthusiasm after all.

Joshua's laughing at him, but as far as Neku's concerned, so long as he keeps doing what he's doing, he can do that all day. Joshua's amusement actually _feels different_ , a pressure where there wasn't before, and Neku has to think to keep himself from trying to move into it.

`You _are_ aware I don't need to breathe, correct?` Joshua says, but still, Neku'd rather start into the habit of showing concern for his partner.

To show what he thinks of _that_ , Joshua swallows him down and squeezes his butt in one smooth motion. `I don't have a gag reflex,` he says smugly. Okay, fine, maybe he's right about some things!

"You're the -- weirdest asshole -- I've ever met," Neku manages. Nevermind: mind-reading is great! Sure, telepathy, _go right ahead, Mr Composer_.

` Brilliant,` Joshua says like he's found a new trick. `Sing something for me.`

"That's kind of -- fuck -- that's kind of hard to do right now, Josh!" Why is this happening to him.

`Sing or I'll stop,` and nevermind, Joshua is the _worst_. He regrets this. He regrets this so much.

Joshua starts moving back and letting go, and goodbye to Neku's dignity, because he gives in and tries belting out the first stanza to Def Märch's latest single (wait, but there was something --), only he can't exactly remember half the words right now and he keeps _squeaking_ and --

\-- it's a relief when he shudders and comes because that means he can _shut up_. Joshua smirks and swallows it, then daintily lifts himself off the floor and drapes one arm over Neku's shoulder.

"Oh my god," Neku says once he catches his breath. "I really, honestly hate you." And now his clothes are all sweaty and _Neku_ can't just magic them clean again. Maybe that wasn't such a great idea.

"Did you have a good time?" Joshua sounds so incredibly proud of himself, because of course he does.

Neku rubs at his head. "I … yeah. Yeah, I think so." But with any luck, this will be the most embarrassing sex he has in his life, because _wow might that be hard to top_. He regrets it. He's not sure what he regrets, but he regrets it. … Everything, probably. Give him a list and he'll figure out what he doesn't regret.

God, that was … he doesn't have words for what that was. That was … a thing. That was a thing, and for whatever reason, that just happened, and Joshua's probably going to want him to hold up his side of it once he feels willing to move.

What the hell even was that. He laughs, because what else can he do? Sure, okay, he gets what he thinks might be a technically-competent blowjob, only it's from Joshua, so instead it's … whatever that was.

"Oh good," Joshua says, "because I'd hate for you to have addressed me by name during unsatisfactory sex."

Wait, what? … Huh. Yeah. "Don't get used to it, asshole," he says, more relaxed than is probably wise to be. "What was that even _for_?"

"You have a lovely singing voice," he says absently. "… But that was dreadful."

"Well, why don't we see how well _you_ do while someone's trying to get you off."

"Challenge accepted," he replies immediately. Neku's not sure he'd actually meant it, but -- yeah, actually, that could be pretty entertaining.

Huh. Maybe there was a point to that besides making him look bad. And since his dignity's already dead and gone anyway, he might as well ask: "What's that like, anyway? Swallowing, I mean."

"You mean you've never tasted it before?" Joshua says, astounded. It'd be annoying, but, well. Gee.

"I -- of course I have, but that's _different_."

Joshua hums, pretending to think about it. "It's less objectionable than that dessert you insisted on after _every battle_ ," he settles on, long suffering. 

What. It takes him a minute to figure out what he's getting at, because that sure had no relevance to anything. "… You mean ice cream?"

"Oh, is that what it's called?"

He cannot be serious. "You just went down on me and you're mad about _ice cream_?" 

"'Oh, Joshua, let's go to Sunshine!' 'Hey, Joshua, I got some ice cream,'" he says, in some truly abysmal mockery of Neku's tone. "Every day, Neku. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe humans aren't supposed to eat cow's milk?"

This is so not the time for this, which is probably exactly why Joshua's bringing it up now. "You didn't have to eat it if you didn't want to," he manages eventually. 

"Oh, well, you were paying," he says, like it explains everything. 

Neku wasn't expecting this to last, but he's so glad he's not actually dating Joshua. "… if you're trying to get me to _want_ to strangle you, it's working."

Joshua beams. "That is the goal here, isn't it?"

God. This is ridiculous. "So how do you want this done, anyway," he says more casually than he feels: he might burst out laughing otherwise, and that's probably not appropriate. 

"I want you to kill me and I don't want to expect it," Joshua says quickly. Maybe he finds this awkward, too. It'd be nice if the joke wasn't just on him. 

But then what Joshua said actually registers. "What -- are you _sure_?" And that's a terrible question: no one could ask someone to do that, could they? Even if for them death doesn't matter, that's … asking a lot from him.

"Yes," he says simply. He's watching the fish rather than Neku, face closed off. 

Expecting Neku to chicken out, now that he's got his, and Joshua's is staring him in the face. And … maybe this isn't something he _wants_ to do, but it's something he _can_ do, and even if Joshua is the biggest jerk he knows, he's still his friend.

Neku takes a deep breath and releases it slowly. "Okay. Yeah, okay. Any ideas how?"

Joshua lights up, more than anyone should when they're talking about murder. "I was thinking either strangulation or cutting my throat with piano wire."

"I'm not doing the second one," he lays down. Joshua looks a little disappointed, but not very. "Do I need anything to strangle you with?"

Joshua looks him over. "I suspect so; using your hands is more trouble than it's worth. Either your belt or one of my ties would be preferable, for the improvised weapon angle."

"And, what, do I just -- go for it, or did you have some time in mind?" It's strange, how they're just discussing this like it's normal, but not bad. It seems so much more manageable like this. 

Joshua is quiet for a moment. Judging what he thinks he can get away with? "Anal sex might be a bit much …."

Well. He _had_ said this was a sex thing. He takes a minute to adjust to this, then finally says, "Yeah, no, I am _not_ killing you during that." God, the last thing he needs is to end up fucking a corpse. Joshua might be dead, but he isn't _that_ dead. 

What the hell is his life?

Joshua sighs, disappointed. "I thought not." He keeps thinking, then brightens. "Perhaps you sitting on me without penetration?"

"Is that … much fun?" Neku has no idea.

"If it isn't, I'm sure we can find something else," he replies briskly. "Use our imaginations, as it were."

That had the sound of a joke Neku doesn't get, but it _is_ Joshua. "… Right. Okay. Anything else I should know?"

Joshua hums. "I believe that covers it."

"Right," Neku says. "Can you get me one of your ties, then?"

Joshua beams and darts off. Neku sets his phone on the table, then pulls his parka and shirt off and wiggles out of his pants while waiting for him to return, hesitating at the idea of removing his boxers. They're a bit sticky, but maybe he should wait for Joshua to get back first. His socks are going to stay on, though, no matter what Joshua thinks: this room is still cold.

Joshua returns while Neku's still trying to figure out where to set his clothes down, pausing to grab something out from behind the counter of the bar, a few towels held with his elbow and Natural Puppy ties in his hand. "No show?" he whines, disappointed.

"Nah," says Neku. "What should I do with these?"

"Leave them on the floor," he instructs. "I'll take care of them in a minute."

Neku drops his clothes, watching as Joshua sets one of the towels on the couch and the rest on the table. He also puts the bottle down: ah, lubrication. That makes sense.

Joshua stops while still facing away from Neku, and turns his head to look at him. "Can you unlace this for me?" he says, pointing at the back of the dress.

"How did you get it on in the first place?" Neku has to ask, loosening it so Joshua can slide it off and onto a hanger, which he puts above the bar.

"Oh, you know," he says vaguely. Composer powers again, probably. He removes his bodice and petticoats, too, setting those on the table, but stops short of taking off his black stockings and lavender lace panties. They're soaked through, and Neku can see the outline of his cock through them. Guess Joshua enjoyed going down on him, too. Neku feels slightly guilty at having made him wait, but Joshua could've mentioned or taken care of it himself, if he'd felt like it. So he doesn't feel that bad.

Joshua smirks when he catches him looking. "Like what you see?"

"Actually, yeah," he says, a little surprised. He'd known Joshua was pretty and had good taste in clothes, but he hadn't really _thought_ about it. "You're beautiful."

"I know," Joshua purrs. Neku's eyebrow twitches.

"So, uh," he trails off awkwardly.

"These are so cute," Joshua says woefully, index fingers in the band of his panties, "but I suppose I'll have to remove them. Boxers off, Neku."

Neku nods too quickly, nervous, and pulls them off, leaving them by his feet, while Joshua artfully slides off his panties. Neku suspects he must've practiced this in a mirror. He probably has.

Joshua takes stock of their clothes, then whistles, some barely-audible tune that goes right through Neku's bones. He blinks reflexively, and when his eyes open again, they're clean and neatly folded on the far side of the table. Convenient.

Joshua sits down on the couch towel, legs spread apart, grinning his wolf grin and basking in … everything, probably. Like he's the luckiest guy in the world, or like the world exists and it's lucky to have him in it; for Joshua, there's probably no difference.

He squirts out some lube and puts some of it on his cock. "Here, Neku," he says, patting to his side with the clean hand.

Neku looks down on him. "So … you don't like socks, but stockings are okay."

"These are sexy," he explains. "Your plain white socks are not sexy."

"They're warm, though," and that is really the important thing here.

But he might as well get a move on. Neku picks up the waffle-print necktie off the table and kneels one leg down on the couch, then the other, so that he's sitting on Joshua's thighs and looking down on his face.

Joshua's so big in personality and in scale, it's hard to remember sometimes that he's actually a bit shorter and slighter than him, and Neku isn't exactly a big guy himself. Joshua meets his gaze, smile slipping a little.

"You might, ah," he murmurs, "wish to put the tie on ahead of time."

Neku nods shakily, looping it around Joshua's neck a full time and ties it a bit like he would his shoelaces, though he doesn't get as far as the bunny ears. He considers the image and giggles helplessly; Joshua left there for him with a bow. Joshua tilts his head slightly and smirks.

"Hey, mention when you're reading my mind," Neku chides.

"It's not intentional, I assure you," he says, apologetic. "It takes a good deal of concentration to shut you out entirely; you're very loud."

"And _you're_ a brat," he says without heat.

"Ah, but would a brat do _this_?" Joshua says, wiping some of the lube along Neku's buttcrack.

Augh! "Cold hands!" Neku squeaks. " _Stop doing that!_ "

Joshua preens. "I don't know what you're talking about," he says, like the lying liar he is.

"The body temperature thing!" Neku accuses. "You might be dead, but you don't have to _remind_ me!"

"A good partner would accept me for who I am," he says primly. "Besides, some of it was the lube."

" _Some,_ " he repeats. 

Archly: "I have to keep you on your toes _somehow._ " And no, he really doesn't, but there's no sense arguing with him: arguing with Joshua is an exercise in futility.

"Can we just -- get on with this?" he says, and Joshua's eyes gleam as he pulls forward a little and thrusts up, dick brushing up against the underside of his balls. 

It's both jarring and better than Neku expected, nice enough he nearly forgets: "Hey, you promised to sing for me."

"Must I?" And before Neku can complain, he elaborates: "Would it suffice if I'm merely careful to keep talking, and perhaps only grace you with my dulcet tones closer to orgasm?"

Neku thinks about this. "Yeah, okay." And to save his own dignity: "And you can read my mind, but you have to reply verbally."

"Oho! Changing the goalposts, are we?" Like he didn't himself. "I accept."

Joshua starts in on some anecdote about the former Conductor as he rocks forward, cock rubbing along Neku's ass, something about how he'd lost his old headphones in a reaper party to one of the wall reapers, who'd pawned them to help buy a new laptop. Neku's not sure why he'd picked this story, and it's definitely not sexy, but Joshua's breath hitches with each thrust and he can't keep a consistent speaking pace. Joshua's movement keeps teasing at him and he wants some more friction, but he'd rather take his hands and explore near Joshua's shoulder blades. 

_A little help here?_ he thinks deliberately, and maybe Joshua would have heard anyway, would have heard his most inconsequential thought in the middle of Scramble Crossing, but it can't hurt. He feels what he assumes must be Joshua brushing against his mind, light and with enough natural reason to be there that he's only detectable when he backs off, his awareness of the city quieting.

"Aye, aye, captain," Joshua says, moving his hands down so that one is on Neku's cock and the other caressing the inside of his knee, before returning to the story, Higashizawa having torn through the support ranks looking for someone willing to explain how to find recipes online in an attempt to find the thief, Joshua diverging into listing off everything he remembers Higashizawa having baked on his forwarded request. 

Neku should get to it, grab the ends of the tie and pull, but Joshua's almost lazily butting up against his anus and it's comfortable. Slow and easy, not like the whiplash urgency of Joshua's power trip masquerading as a surprisingly satisfactory blowjob.

And then Neku's phone goes off and he nearly falls off the couch in his scramble to reach it. Probably Shiki or Beat; had he forgotten to check in? He flips it open and ….

It's a text from Joshua. He opens it, already knowing he's going to regret it, and …. `So what are you wearing today, dear? (￣▽￣)ノ`

He closes it, resettling himself over the culprit, even though he's half-tempted to just leave. "You know," he says conversationally, "if I killed you for real, I'm sure I could convince Mr H that you deserved it."

"So forward, Neku." He wiggles his fingers, eyes glittering.

"How did you even _type_ that?"

In answer, Joshua wags a finger and the ends of the tie flutter. "Telekinesis, dear. Don't you remember anything?"

… Of course.

Joshua leans in and kisses his nose, resettling his hands to lightly touch his cock and firmly grip his thigh. "You're cute when you're annoyed," he says, like that's any kind of excuse, before returning to his story, Higashizawa's intent going over new-recruit Yashiro's head in her haste to get a promotion.

It's not nearly the same as an apology, and Neku still doesn't believe Joshua feels he did anything wrong, but maybe sharing reaper gossip where some of the key participants are dead and never coming back is his way of showing he'd cared. It doesn't make any of it okay. But he did care.

Neku sighs, and on a whim, leans down and lightly nips Joshua's ear. Joshua lets out a soft "aah," and doesn't say anything for a moment. Neku opens his mouth; he slowly licks the shell of Joshua's ear, bites down again, careful to just keep it to the suggestion of pressure. Joshua hesitates again. "As I was saying, Megumi -- Megumi …."

Did … did he lose his place? Incredible. Neku smirks evilly and whispers, " _Now_ you should try to sing."

"Perhaps that -- isn't the greatest idea," he says, face falling.

"Maybe I won't choke you," Neku says conversationally. "Maybe I'll just wait 'til some other time we do this, or even later, so you _really_ won't know when to expect it."

"Neku, you're very cruel," Joshua says, admiring. "If -- if you insist, then I shall," and he starts crooning: _I'm sorry I'm not honest / I can say it in my dreams / My thoughts are about to short-circuit / I want to be with you right now_.

The tune's vaguely familiar, but Neku can't place it immediately. Probably from some corny kids' show, knowing Joshua.

Neku pushes Joshua back a bit, so that he's leaning against the back of the couch, scoots forward, and grinds down. Joshua doesn't squeak or sound like he's forgetting words or anything; he just loses track of the beat as he pushes back into Neku.

"… Is that … from Sailor Moon?" he realises. He hasn't watched it himself, but ….

Joshua smirks. Joshua may never stop smirking. "You didn't specify," he explains.

This guy. "Go back to talking; that was funnier."

Joshua nods seriously. "Most museums use -- flesh-eating dermestid beetles to -- clean skeletons," he says, like this is a completely normal conversation topic. "They remove as much of the material by hand --"

This is probably the best chance he's going to get. Neku swiftly grabs the ends of the tie and _tugs_ , as hard as he can; Joshua coughs and his shoulders pull in, but he doesn't stop talking. "-- and they let nature do its work. -- Neku, wait."

Neku lets go and leans back immediately. He _knew_ Joshua wouldn't actually --

"Neku, it's caught a bit around my spine," he says. "Let me fix it -- here, grab here and pull _away_ , not down." He takes Neku's hands and corrects them, though Neku loosens it as soon as he lets go. "You see …?"

Neku forces himself to nod; he did feel the difference. He can do this; Joshua looks so hopeful. He can do this and it'll all be okay.

Joshua watches him, a bit sad, until Neku nods again, meaning it this time. "I trust you," Joshua states, and it's as much like he's trying to convince himself as Neku.

Joshua starts moving again, gripping Neku's cock more firmly and rubbing his thumb over the tip. It's not going to take much, second time today be damned, and Neku pulls.

Away, rather than down, though still not completely blocking the artery, and Joshua's eyes are watering as he urgently pushes against Neku. "Keep going," he pleads, and Neku is so close, Joshua pulling him down just as he presses up, and Joshua shudders and stays up.

He forgot the fluid, Neku realizes blearily, just as Joshua wallops him with an Imprint and Neku splatters on his chest.

`Keep going,` Joshua says in his head, breathing hard.

"Okay," Neku says, though his arms are so tired, and Neku yanks and holds it as Joshua pales and slumps down.

That's probably enough, Neku thinks, but `Do it,` Joshua pleads.

Neku needs to let go of the tie, knows he should let go, but …. `I'm nearly there,` Joshua Imprints. `Please.`

And this is _so_ fucked up, and he really honestly should _let go_ , ignore what Joshua wants and _let go_ , because there's no way Joshua wants what he thinks he wants and Neku should not be able to do this, should not be able to hold on tight and listen to Joshua's shallow breathing shudder and stop without doing anything, without even really having any ill will towards Joshua, even if he might not ever be able to forgive him.

This is so fucked up, and he realises after a moment that Joshua's gone still, too still to be anyone alive.

Holy shit. He's just killed him. Holy shit.

And just as he's starting to wonder if they'd lied, or he'd done it wrong, that Joshua is well and truly dead and Neku is the new Composer, Joshua blurs around the edges and collapses onto Neku like a dying man.

Which he was, just a minute ago. Neku feels something soft against his back and reaches out with his hands, trying not to dislodge Joshua, who's clinging to him like a life raft.

Wings. 

Joshua has feathered wings.

… he's not sure why he's surprised by the wings, since all the reapers had some, and Minamimoto had _six_ , but it's still a shock. White and iridescent, rather than reaper black, and it's interesting.

"Neku," murmurs Joshua, voice hoarse, and Neku belatedly lets go of the tie. "Neku," he says again. "Thank you."

"… uh …." What do you even _say_ to that? "… Anytime?"

Joshua chuckles, and he sounds happier than Neku has ever heard him. This is _so_ fucked up.

He starts working the tie loose from around his neck, since Joshua doesn't seem like he wants to let go anytime soon. And if Joshua wants to get touchy-feely with people who literally just killed him, well. That's only the second most disturbing thing he's seen all day.

(He'd held on. He'd held on and someone died, and maybe that was the plan and it wasn't permanent or anything, but that's a terrifying thing to find yourself capable of doing. He's not sure what to do with this information. What _can_ you do with it?)

Joshua makes a sound, kind of a happy growl, and leans in to Neku. Neku isn't wearing nearly enough clothes to have this little personal space. "Neku," he says again, and if Neku broke him somehow, _Mr H is gonna kill him_.

"… Are you okay?" Neku checks.

He hums. "… yes?" he settles on. "I simply -- may need a minute." He might need more than that; if it were anyone else, Neku'd say he's being nuzzled.

This is so weird. "Can I … get you anything?" he tries.

Joshua lifts his head up from where he'd been trying to burrow into Neku's neck, and looks him straight in the eye. "Pet me," he says, completely earnest.

Who is this, and what happened to Joshua? "Your wings?" he says, baffled.

"And my hair," he confirms. "Pet me, Neku. Remind me what I'm doing here in the Realground. Remind me why I picked you for this."

"Joshua, _I_ don't know why you picked me for this," Neku admits. Joshua huffs a laugh. "Okay, but if you want me to do this, we're gonna have to move."

Joshua whines a little as Neku extracts himself from his lap, and his disappointment when Neku wraps a towel around his waist is palpable, but he waits for Neku to sit back down before flopping himself onto Neku's lap. His wings flutter as he does so, though, and Neku's hit in the face for his trouble.

"Be careful with those!" he snaps, and Joshua has the audacity to give him puppy eyes. He does hold them still, though, partly outstretched so Neku can reach them all.

Joshua's wings might only be around the same size as Lollipop's, but Neku is _so lucky_ that they're feathered rather than pointy. The reapers could put an eye out with those things. Joshua's are merely annoying, and if Neku ends up with a black eye in the morning, it is completely and utterly Josh's fault.

Neku doesn't go straight for the wings, though, instead entangling one hand in Joshua's hair and the other in the patch of feathers between his wings, on his shoulder blades. Joshua makes that pleased growl again, leaning his head into his hand and fluffing up his feathers so Neku can scratch between them and make sure they're more or less in order.

Hnnn. "What do I do about any feathers that seem a bit loose?"

"Hm?" Joshua extends one wing, though thankfully it's the one further from Neku. "Tug on them to see if they come out, I suppose."

Neku makes sure his arm'd keep Joshua from hitting him in the face again and _tugs_. It doesn't budge, though Joshua does flap reflexively, but maybe if he concentrates on what he's doing …. It comes right out when he tries again -- must be a willpower thing -- and Joshua sighs.

"Set any you remove aside," he instructs. "I'll need to inspect them … later."

"Yeah, sure," he says absently as he picks through, Joshua going limp and boneless whenever he finds an itchy spot. He pulls out three more before he pays attention to his bad feeling and mentions, "One of your coverts is orange."

Joshua stiffens. "That would be Noise," he says. "Show me."

Neku takes his hand and leads it to the offending feather. Joshua's whole body tenses when he finds it, but he just calmly yanks it and incinerates it.

"Any others?"

"Nope," Neku says, strangely proud. "Think we got 'em all."

Joshua fluffs back up and relaxes again. Neku gives him a once over: yeah, looks like everything is lying flat where it should be. Now Neku just should probably get him to move, and that might be easier said than done.

Neku tries lifting one leg as a hint and Joshua raises an eyebrow at him. Time to get up, Neku thinks, and Joshua deigns to sit up and tuck his wings away. A bit of a pity: Joshua looks both sillier and more dignified with them, while now he's just another scrawny teenager with a pretty face and artfully tousled hair. And not nearly enough clothes on, Neku amends, giving Joshua's lower body a significant look. 

"Well," Joshua says, casual as ever, like none of this ever happened, "you should probably inform your friends that you remain in the land of the living."

Neku smirks. "Yeah, probably," he says, unsurprised Joshua knew about that. Neku trusts Joshua, but he trusts him never to be other than he is. It's only sensible. 

"Shall we … do this again sometime?" he asks, the slightest bit pink again. 

Neku thinks about it. It was weird, and Joshua's an asshole, but … yeah, he had a good time. "Sure," he says, "just … stay in touch," and he goes to see about another shower.

**Author's Note:**

> A humongous thanks to [Keltena](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Keltena), [Quicksilver Ink](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Quicksilver_ink), and [Kim](http://archiveofourown.org/users/soudanidaitrashcollective) for their constant encouragement, without whom this fic would not be the same (if it even existed), and also to [Clover](http://archiveofourown.org/users/shledzguohn), Walker, [Henry](http://archiveofourown.org/users/glueskin), and Zhorken for helping when I was stuck. (Yes, you totally helped.)
> 
> Also, hat tip to [vamoosi](archiveofourown.org/users/vamoosi) for helping me with the porn, and [Rachel](http://archiveofourown.org/users/rachellikestoread) for copy-editing!
> 
> All of you are so great ♥


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